Is it just me or does it seem like everyone has their sh*t together?
If you’re looking for the short answer: they don’t.
In a generation full of technology and instant access to the lives of others, it’s no surprise that people are feeling like they’re “behind” their peers and are “failing” at life. Let’s be real, adult life is hard and it isn’t as simple as we all had envisioned (honestly growing up is a scam). The added pressure of social media isn’t helping either with many strategically posting things that can be interpreted in their favour or makes them look good. The worst part is we know this. At the back of our minds we know that what we see isn’t the REAL story yet we’ll continue to allow ourselves to get sucked in by the media.
We’ve all done it: seen something online and instantly compared our lives to others, convincing ourselves that everyone is doing better than us and have their lives set good. They’ve got a new car, job, home… they’re getting married, having children or travelling the world and life looks really sweet on their patch of grass. Whatever it is, they’re doing well and it’s hard not to compare, put yourselves down and wonder where it all went left for you. I’m not saying you’re not happy for others, but wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy some of the cake too?
What you need to hear:
The truth is, most of the things you see aren’t even as honest as they’re made out to be. People aren’t posting their failures or the truth on how they got to where they are (especially if they got help) These days, the L’s and slips aren’t really the real truth either with most of it still being hush hush. In fact, the only people you seem to see talking about the “struggle” are the celebrities who’ve made it big and although it’s a truthful message, it’s not always something you can relate to when your world seems stagnant. The art behind looking kept together is by not letting anyone know the downfalls. The only reason life looks perfect is because it’s painted that way. That’s why you must take everything with a pinch of salt before turning on yourself with such criticism. As much as we’d love translucency when it comes to life, that’s not going to happen anytime soon and it’s no-ones duty either. No-one owes you anything. If you go off on what you see posted online you’ll end up depressed, confused and even more frustrated. How come you haven’t got your house at 23 and you’re not in a loving relationship with everything falling into place too? Well, you don’t know their journey and you won’t know unless they tell you. Yes, some people really did get it through hard work but in some cases, the bank of mum and dad came in handy, that car is leased and that perfect relationship you see is compromised in more ways than you’d personally accept. Not only that, their income may be high but their lifestyle costs are equally high, and if poorly managed, you could be saving more than them in the long run so be happy with the little money you save, it all adds up. That’s why I stopped watching what others had and started focusing on myself. I’d advise you to do the same.
Why you should focus on your path and forget about others:
Let me tell you a story real quick. At university, I did alright in my first and second year. I wasn’t always getting the top grades but I was on track. I have a lot of friends who are disciplined and high achievers, and when you’re in a Russell group university, “bad grades” aren’t really a thing. For this reason, everyone seems like they’re getting 1st’s and high 2:1s and it’s easy to feel like you’re really messing this uni thing up. People are also scraping 2:1’s and even getting 2:2’s in some modules but you’ll never hear anyone say it out loud. I can laugh about it now but I remember I had just finished my second year and was working all summer. I decided to take a week’s leave to just get out of London (I get irritated when I’m in one place for too long). I decided to go to my uni city to get some time out (plus, paying rent for 3 months when you’re not living there was hurting my chestttt). So bear in mind I had gone there to take a time out from London… when I got there I noticed that many people on my snap and in my year had also come down for the same week. Naïve Liz was like “rah look at my luck, we can all do link-up” but little did I know that it was re-sit week. How would I have known? I didn’t need to re-sit and everyone I messaged simply said that they were down because they felt like it, needed to sort out house things, were staying down longer or simply had a few things to do. Note that not one person told me the truth as to why they were there (and why would they?) and I simply didn’t put two and two together.
That’s why I stopped watching what others had and started focusing on myself. I’d advise you to do the same.
It doesn’t even end there. I noticed that one of my friends was revising so much and would revise late into the night. I remember asking why they were up so late studying for “next year’s” course when we had just broken up for summer and they told me that they were just trying to give themselves the best shot for third year. As they were on a different course to me I didn’t know that they were reading second-year work. They had previously boasted about getting over 80% in assignments in the past so I had no reason not to believe that they weren’t top of the class. I type this laughing at my stupidity but I remember telling myself off for not being serious enough and that if I wanted to be ahead of the game I should also research next years textbooks and start revising them before we started again. I told myself that this is why people were doing excellently and this is the kind of work they were putting in behind closed doors (I mean it is also true). I told myself that I too was going to start revising (but the week after because I was relaxing init) and would start working into the early hours of the night too instead of my usual movie marathons. Unintentionally, their lie gave me new motivation to do better and work smarter. What I didn’t know was that this friend was failing, and in convincing me that they were ahead of the game, they had inspired me to do better. While I was out there trying to “keep up” I was actually putting myself even further ahead of the game and I went on to bang out a few 1st’s in my third year. Of course, this doesn’t always work in our favour but watching others made me feel like a failure even when the person I was looking at was actually failing more than me. I chose to use it to motivate me but it could have easily gone the other way. It’s not always going to work out that way though and I’ve seen people crumble to the pressure of keeping up with others. This is how depression is heightened and in some cases, people drop out. Not only this, but some pressure will become broke in the process too. You have people cashing out on whips and firming the running costs when the person they’re trying to keep up with is a 3rd party on the insurance and their parents pay petrol and maintenance. Sometimes it’s better not to look at what others have and simply be grateful for what you have on your plate (easier said than done I know).
Don’t play yourself to the game.
This lesson goes beyond university life. Post-uni everyone seems to have secured jobs and are earning healthy salaries… or so they say. I’ll be honest, post-uni life is STRESS. Job hunting is STRESS and life seems to be moving VERY FAST around you. Post-uni depression is real because we’ve been taught this lie that a degree will equal straight high-paying jobs and a fantastic kick-start to your career. It’s true, but it’s also not as common as you may think. Everyone wants a job paying £35k+ from the jump but the job market will humble you real quick. This is not to say that it’s not possible but it isn’t always all it’s cracked out to be once you secure the bag either. I know people who secured good salaries but are stuck on that pay for the next few years. I know people who secured the top firms but left a month later when they realised they didn’t fit in and it wasn’t for them. I’ve known people to be on £80K+ but have burnt out after only a few years due to the intensity of the job and long hours involved (and it’s aged them in the process). I’ve also known people out of work for over a year but their consistency and planning has landed them in a better position than they had first hoped for and they’re getting promotions quicker than that person who secured a job first. As much as people won’t tell you how many rejections they’ve been getting, people won’t tell you how they got there either. Contacts is a really big key and some people get a pass to the top because of family links and who they know. Hard work and connects really help boost your chances. This doesn’t mean that you’re failing or you can’t get there too, but know that we all have different paths and your time will come. Now I’m not saying don’t aim high, but for my recent graduates and graduates to be… slow and steady is sometimes best (as long as you’re actively working towards your goal). Remember, don’t chase the money, chase something that you’re passionate about, somewhere that you can see yourself growing or can give you skills to take on to the next role… and most importantly, find something that makes you happy. It’s worth noting that Jay-Z became a Billionaire today. He started his career at 26 and he’s only 49. In 23 years he’s achieved far more than his peers could have ever dreamed and he’s still out here breaking records in the process. This is a reminder that you can start late and still get it all.
How to get your sh*t together (or at least look like it).
For the people between jobs: keep looking! Consistency will land you where you need to be and don’t be afraid to raise your standards.
For the entrepreneurs: I know it feels like things are failing and you have no idea what you’re doing next, but with a strong team and a dedicated mindset, the answers will come. Money might be tight but go back to the drawing board and tweak things if needed to suit you.
For those who are in jobs that aren’t serving a purpose anymore: get out of your comfort zone and elevate yourself. Get your job search on or plan your next steps. It’s nice to stay in one place but if there’s no progression then it’s time to move on.
For the singletons: A relationship may look cute right now but you can’t see the drama behind closed doors. If there’s one trend I’ve seen it’s that the most perfect relationships often have the biggest flaws… and sadly they don’t last. Don’t rush into something just because others are. Relationships take time and effort. If you’re not mentally or physically ready for that, don’t bother and work on yourself. The right person will come when it’s time and you’d have saved money in the process too.
For those of you taking a leap of faith: You’ve got this. It’s scary at first but you can also win. I’ve witnessed people change careers or drop out of education and excelled, not because they were prepared, but because they persevered through the uncertainty. Testimonials of people telling the universe that they had secured a job that they were praying on months before their job offer proves that when you put your mind to something, you can achieve anything (and also another lesson to not watch what others say and do, but rather what is going on in your lane). I know that people launching new businesses sometimes feel like their market is saturated. Remember, there are over 50 brands of bread but they’re still being sold in the shops. Just because one exists, it doesn’t mean that yours isn’t of any less value. People have different tastes and there’s no better replication than the original. In the same way, make it YOUR brand and make it unique. There is room for everyone to win, you just need to keep your head down and keep on grinding.
Lastly, It’s easy to feel like you’re not where you should be, but instead of comparing your life to others, look at where you are now and how far you’ve come. Some people came from poverty, some luxury. Some people had to be held back for reasons beyond their control and life is crueler to some and not others which can have a massive impact on progress. Instead of looking at what you should have achieved in comparison to others, be proud of the achievements you’ve made and give credit where it’s due. It’s easy to feel like in your early 20’s you’ve run out of time but there are people in their 30’s and 40’s who feel like they’re just getting started. There are business owners who have been doing things for decades and still don’t really have a clue (in their own words)… they’re just good at winging it. Whether life is treating you good or it feels like it couldn’t get any worse, as long as you’re learning from your L’s and you’re in a better place than last year, you’re doing much better than you think!
Remember, as long as you stay focused, stay driven and mind your business, you’ll see the growth you seek. If you need tips on how to stay focused and motivated, you can read my blogs on procrastination and improving your self for greatness.
Focus on working on yourself and things will come together
Liz x