"I'm not okay"

I’ve been gone a minute. I apologise. It’s just… life has been happening. I guess you tend to take each day as it comes and forget that eventually it all piles up. That’s life. *sigh* It gets like that, and it’s completely normal, but somehow, we convince ourselves that everything is fine and dandy even when it’s not.

Why is that? I guess if we convince ourselves that things aren’t so bad it will fix itself quicker. Or perhaps it’s just a way of distracting your thoughts when you don’t have an answer? Maybe saying the opposite is just the easiest thing to say when someone asks “how are you?” because we know if we say the other three words, who knows what can of worms you’ll open.

It’s time to remove the mask…

When you ask someone “how are you?” you don’t expect any response other than “I’m fine thank you, and you?” or something of that variant. This is what we know, what we’re prepped for. There’s no need to think deeply into it since no matter what reply you get, it’s just the ice-breaker, right? You say you’re fine blah di blah and then you move onto the main topic, the catch-up, gossip, juicy bits… but what if the juicy bit is acknowledging your moods? What if all the consequences in your head of speaking up are just that… In your head?

Three words. Yet for some reason, we’re not taught to embrace it. It’s always “firm it” or “brush it off” and “keep it moving.” Three words that carry so much meaning and power…

“I’m not okay”

It changes the perspective, makes you think, and forces you to face your fears. It can change the mood in an instant; it invites pitty, and maybe you’re just not ready for that yet, OR maybe it’s the fear of not having anyone relate to you?

“I’m not okay”

The problem with saying “'I’m not OK” is that you almost feel victimised… weak… well, at least that’s what you’re brought up to believe - especially for men. Why? Who knows, but it’s not the right mentality to move forward with. “I’m not OK” doesn’t mean you’re mentally unstable, it doesn’t mean you haven’t got your shit together or that you’re falling apart… I mean it could, but we also need to recognise that it can be as simple as not being yourself or being in the dumps for whatever reason.

“I’m fine”

I understand why we keep quiet. Why bother someone with your problems when there are greater problems in life? Why give someone the potential to have a one-up on you? “I’m fine” is the best go-to answer since no-one really presses you further on the topic and you can keep it moving without the awkwardness. Well. There’s your first problem. You’re not around the right people! The right people will not see it as ammo or a problem, they’re there to help where they can.

The real tea.

I’ll tell you something for free; you can’t be happy all the time.

Really and truly, I would think something was wrong if I never saw someone have a slightly moody day, and wouldn’t you? We’re human after all! We are entitled to our off-days (more so if you’re hormonal - honestly it’s tough being a woman!) so why do we try to conceal something as honest as saying, “you know what? I’m not so good”?

It’s interesting because if we were down with the flu we’d have no issues letting everyone know that we’re not well and need some rest but somehow when it comes to our minds, we’re not so loud. Maybe it’s the stigma of what mental health is. Maybe we need to redefine what mental health is… It’s not just the illnesses, but the state of your mental condition. Literally, the health of your mind. The same way we talk about our physical health, the health of your mind should be talked about in the same way, and I think as a society, we’re progressing in the right direction.

“So how’s lockdown treating you?”

Anyone else?

It’s no surprise that the world has been a tad bit strange this year. This isn’t news. Over the last few months, our reality has changed, our circumstances, our routines… and that all has affected us in one way or another. The “normal” you once knew is gone and many things have had to change which will have impacted you whether you realise it or not. The words “Furlough”, “Lockdown”, “social distancing”, and “self-isolation” were certainly not in my vocabulary at the beginning of this year!

Whether it was a way to cope before, now is not the time to be “strong” and brush things off. Quarantine has been hard on everyone, and if we continue to charge through the chaos and don’t allow ourselves space to breathe, we’ll only be hurting ourselves in the long run. This year there has been a lot to process with loads of losses and changes to name a few. Things that you once thought were solid are now shattering around you, life is unpredictable and it’s hard to keep your head and health in check. To make things worse, many people live in fear, and families have split apart and separated due to COVID-19. The little escape we once had is also gone with flights cancelled, social life, and enjoyment stripped away like that. Lastly, for many, the uncertainty of jobs and income has caused further worries as the economy continues to crash.

2020 has shown us that long periods of isolation can force cracks in even the most solid person. It reminds you that life is short and can be flipped on its head in an instant. 2020 said no-one is safe and you have to adapt… quickly. It’s a big old chess game right now, and you can’t predict the next move. Too many people have gone too soon, too many people are battling with things they once suppressed, many people are experiencing breakups in relationships, self-esteem is going down and there’s a whole load of people trying to juggle this extra weight with elegance when its farrr too big of a burden to carry alone. Everyone needs support. Everyone has a way to support someone else. Now is the time to help each other. This is not a time for pride. Speak up.

Learning curves

I used to be someone who’d always keep things to myself, but over the last few years, I find myself vocalising my feelings with those I trust and vice versa. I’ve still got a long way to go but as I’ve grown out of old habits, I’ve seen that a lot of stress in life can be reduced when you think less and reach out when you need it.

I’ll tell you a little story from early “lockdown” life. At the start, when people were hoarding toilet paper and the world was turning crazy, I, like many, was working long hours on the front line. Life was stressful, sleeping was non-existent, and I was finding a lot of things overwhelming in life. What did I do? I kept on trodding, and life kept piling on. At work, I’d stay with families and help them prepare funeral arrangements, I’d stay till late just so that people could speak to their loved ones on the phone, I was helping people where I could and over-extending myself outside of work. Every spare moment I got was dedicated to everyone but me and to say I was every sort of drained would be an understatement…. and then my Mac screen broke! FFS!

One crack, two, three... BLACK. My diddy days, if you saw the way I packed my bags I was really ready to call it a day and go home. Fuck this shit. I sat there thinking life is one big old joke and it’s all just going wrong.

It might sound minor, but that week in particular everything bad that could have happened, was happening, and I was choosing to ignore it and keep it. moving. I remember that day clearly because I had gone into work on my day off only to be met with chaos and I had to mentally convince myself to push through the morning (I didn’t leave till nearly 10pm that day). It’s always the day that wasn’t supposed to be yours!?

I don’t know what compelled me, but at that moment I was trying not to let it get to me and I decided to call on help. I was already pissed off after all, and I knew the day was going to drag and drain, how worse could the day get? “Have you still got your old Mac, mine has just broken…” I didn’t even get one minute into explaining why before she replied “yh girl, no problem! Pick it up whenever.”

What?

Just like that? I was so ready for her to tell me that it wasn’t available or she had given it away that the thought of it being in my favour was so far removed. I could feel my eyes begin to water. Was it that I was weak or I was just so drained I had no other reaction left in my system? I vividly remember telling her, “It can’t be this simple” because how!? I think it was at that moment I realised how much I firm and save face and how much I expect myself to struggle. When you’re a person who rarely asks, it’s hard to accept help because it can be overwhelming. It wasn’t the act of kindness that set me off, but the relief on less stress along with built up emotions. Believe a laptop really had me locking my office door for composure because I wasn’t ready *Kevin Hart voice.*

It’s mad because when you flip things around, you realise you’re always the one that’s happy to give, but you’re never giving to yourself. My girl had to G check me at that moment and told me to keep my head strong and focus on the rest of the day. Maybe God broke me down so much until I was forced to ask for help for a reason. I had to deep that things CAN be that simple when people care.

Why do we put ourselves last when the struggle can be made easier when the right help? I’m stubborn though, and needed that lesson. Had it been another issue, I probably would have kept it moving and struggled alone. It’s a good thing I did ask because Miss Corona really dragged out the insurance for over a month!

When you’re a person who rarely asks, it’s hard to accept help because it can be overwhelming.

What is my message in all of this? In this situation, I was always aware of those I could reach out too, but I had built a mentality of resistance and determination to go through things alone. I had set myself up so that disappointment from others was out of the question: you can’t be let down if you don’t ask! WRONG. You struggle more when you keep things bottled.

Of course, you can be let down if you ask the wrong person, but its also about judging those in your life and building a network worth having. Your network should be your support system. I’m not saying you should blurt your problems to any friend, but you’ll know who's there for you and who cares and you do the same back. Not everyone will be able to relate, but that’s why you speak to different people about different things… The point is, there’s always help.

If you’ve been looking for a sign, it’s here…

As easy as it is to say, “don’t let it break you”, I highly encourage you to talk where possible. I’m not saying air it to the world or any old person but talk to someone you trust. Now more than ever, tensions have risen and it can be hard to see what the other side of “normal” will look like. I’m telling you now to keep pushing through even when things are overwhelming! If you’ve been looking for a sign, it’s here… You’ve got this, ride the wave and embrace every feeling. Now more than ever, we have time to reflect, act, and change. The world is on pause and it’s not moving any time soon. Take this time to heal and grow.

If you don’t have that support system there’s always professional help and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m blessed to have a solid group of girls who support each other on a daily. We look out for each-other, uplift, and encourage. Sometimes we may have deep chats, we may sulk together, we may laugh until the next morning… other times it’s straight vibessss (one time we spent the whole day together, went home and came out again at 2 am-sunrise). To this day, I honestly don’t know what we were on that day, but I digress… one thing I can say for sure: the right people can never be draining, and the right people will never be tired of helping.

Picking yourself back up

Of course, we like to put a brave face on and of course, we like things to go smoothly, but there are days that we are simply going through it. The way we can effectively deal with this is to process it properly and I’m afraid “I’m fine” simply won’t cut it. Start to embrace “I’m not Okay” and look for places to heal, whether that’s mentally, spiritually, physically, or all of the above.

Some tips:

Try to pinpoint your stresses and start from there - No matter how much you try to run from the issue, it will always find its way back if you don’t tackle it from the root! Use this time to be truly honest with yourself and identify flaws in your approach. Maybe you need to cut something/someone out? Whatever it is, be true to yourself.

Exercise more - this is especially important since most of us have been doing anything but exercising during lockdown. With gyms opening again, and the weather currently showing off, there’s no excuse not to activate those endorphins. It is also a fantastic way to relieve stress and clear your head! Go for a walk, jog, or hit the gym. I promise you, you’ll feel. a lot better!

Take some time out for yourself - I decided to drive to Dorset for an extended weekend. As someone who usually travels out of the country for a city escape, this was the closest I was going to get and it was a bit of magic I didn’t know I needed! That weekend I jumped off socials, detached from the world, and enjoyed nature and its beauty. It was so refreshing and I left glowing (no, really!).

Speak to others - You’ll be supposed how many people are also going through things similar to you. Don’t forget to check up on others too! It doesn’t matter how helpful you think you are, sometimes all they might need is someone to listen.

Explore counselling. There are so many resources available online and organisations willing to help. You can find charities that offer counselling, or go via your doctor. Alternatively, there are a bunch of private options that you can also explore. Don’t let your pride be the reason you’re not finding your happiness!

On that note… Tap into your happy! It sounds cheesy but really, be selfish. Even if it’s for one day, do what makes you happy, go where you’re loved, and live in the moment. If we have learned anything, it’s that life is short and we must enjoy.

Remember, there is a pain in silence. A pain that doesn’t go away so easily. Try to embrace your emotions more often, even if you’re just writing it down.

“I AM NOT OKAY” - Let’s learn to approach this phrase better so that when we hear it we can help. When someone says it, believe them and embrace them. It takes courage to be strong and power to change. let’s learn to support each other!

For similar discussions, check out these other posts: Mental Health Check-in, Lost in limbo, Life is short, The Person behind the mask: let’s talk mental health, Has COVID-19 changed the way we exercise?

I hope this helped! You’re not alone.

Liz x