Grieving a parent: 13 years on.
This is not something I would usually write about but I feel like the timing is fitting. On the 3rd of May, (three days ago) it marked thirteen years since my father died. It sounds a little crazy saying that because I still remember it all like it was yesterday. Sometimes I have to sit back and wonder where the time has gone because that’s an awfully long time when you think about it. In thirteen years I’ve achieved so much, won so many awards and grown as a woman. A lot has happened in my life, and whilst I know my father never saw me become a head girl or watched me walk across the stage at my university graduation, deep down I have a feeling that he saw it all. Although my experiences are individual to me, I’ve decided to talk on my own experiences as I think it will help others or those who want to support those who are bereaved. These things aren’t always easy to talk about (and that includes for me too), however, I think it’s an important conversation that needs to be had.
As many of you will have read in my dedication, my father died a few months after my eleventh birthday. What I never mentioned was that he died unexpectedly and it wasn’t something I could have prepared myself for. At the time I was in year six, preparing for my all-important SATS test (when SATS actually counted) and I was in the transition of starting secondary school. I know many like to believe that at that age you’re too young to remember anything, but everyone is different and age doesn’t necessarily equate maturity. As you may have already figured out from pervious posts, I was (and would still consider myself) a very sharp girl for my age. At the time I was way above average, both academically and emotionally and although my only worries were my SATS exams, my father’s death came at a very important time in my life.
I remember that day clear as crystal. My headteacher walked into my classroom in the middle of a math mock paper and asked my brother and me to follow him outside. I remember walking into his office where we saw two police officers who calmly asked us to sit down. I remember thinking this is bad news… and it was. Real bad. We were young, so naturally, we were confused. It isn’t easy telling children that their father is dead and there’s no “nice” way to say it either. “Do you understand what we’re saying?” said one of the officers. We did, we just didn’t know how it was possible. Being the inquisitive one and clearly still in shock, I found myself asking for more details, guessing anything… a car accident, something, anything… The police had asked if we had any questions but the main one we had they weren’t answering. Where was our mum? Were our sisters ok? - we were assured they were fine, but the only thing I knew was that they were not going to tell us any more.
Although I only had eleven years with my father, I absorbed a great deal around me and remember things that may have been minuscule and irrelevant then, but hold significant meaning to me now. I have a pretty photogenic memory too, which means that things that I remember from four years old (no, really) on occasion, still trigger my thoughts decades later. It is for that reason that I don’t think age can diminish the pain you feel or determine how much a person can grieve. If I can personally remember things from four years old, that says enough about those who lost a parent at an earlier age. Sure, those who were blessed with more years than I and others may have many more memories. It may feel like more of a chunk has been taken, but understand that things are equally as hard when at a young age, you are robbed of future memories too. To this day, I sometimes find myself angry at the fact that I still have many questions that only my father can answer, yet I have to accept that I’ll never get that answer. Whether a person is bereaved in their childhood or in their adult life, pain is pain and it hurts. A lot.
I wanted to outline a few things on what to do when helping those who are grieving (particularly a parent). I feel like this is something many people struggle with, (which is understandable) and those who have been there before may reassure the individual by offering emotional support. Sometimes having someone who understands what you are going through can really help during this period. Unfortunately, at my age, no-one I knew had lost a parent so I had no-one to talk to in that sense and there are many people in similar positions. This is why it is important that everyone knows that they can help if they want to. Below I have written some points that I think are helpful to know. I also share my tips for others to help those through the grieving process.
My three pieces of advice to those who have lost a loved one
There is no wrong way to grieve - This is a PSA to everyone. My experience won’t be the same for others, nor is it identical to my siblings. I won’t talk on my siblings here but I can tell you one thing: in all losses in my life I’ve remained calm. Sometimes I feel as if I’m numb to death and emotions and I get hard on myself. I’m just good at putting on a front I guess. I’m someone that often puts troubles to the side and pushes through with other duties at hand. When my father died I had my SATS a few days later. I went on to smash them but it’s not how everyone copes. I’ve known strong individuals to isolate themselves for weeks, display “unusual” behaviour like going out excessively or simply break down at every given moment. Don’t let anyone belittle how you feel and take this time for yourself. It’s an emotional time, where things feel uncertain and your world feels like it has been tipped upside down, but before things can get “better” you need to grieve first.
Don’t bottle things up - This is something I regret. I was too busy playing the older sister and the “strong one” (even when it wasn’t asked of me) and it’s become a character trait that people identify me with, even to this day. I know sometimes I can seem dismissive and nonchalant, especially in difficult times and although its been a coping mechanism, it’s not necessarily a healthy one to adopt. In bottling up things you delay the grieving process and find that it comes back to bite you later on in life. I know it’s hard but you need to go through it - find a friend, a family member or an external person if you have to. Remember, the reality of it doesn’t always sink in straight away and that’s okay too. When it does though, acknowledge it. You’ll only give yourself more pain in the long run.
Don’t blame yourself - Sometimes it’s easy to blame yourself, especially if you weren’t around when they passed or felt that you could have done more when they were alive. Things like petty grudges or small disagreements we end up kicking ourselves for and it only makes things worse. We do this to make sense of things and it’s easy to shift the blame on ourselves. Sometimes you may feel angry at yourself or start to question “what if” and “if only…” There’s nothing more you can do now than to find acceptance and peace within yourself. In blaming yourself you can spiral into a depression and you start to lose focus on the good things in their lives. Try to relive fond memories and share it with others. Others may not be able to meet them, but you can still tell others about how much they meant. Don’t lose yourself in self-blame.
How can you help someone who is grieving
Don’t ask too many questions - I can’t stress this enough! This is a tough time already, and unwarranted questions are not the way forward. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve heard people ask: “how did they die?” This is not an appropriate follow-up question and could be triggering for the individual. I appreciate that this isn’t always asked but for those of us who lost their parents at a young age, or sudden deaths, it’s easy for someone to get ahead of themselves. Believe me, if they wanted to tell you, you’d know. My rule of thumb is to not push any questions that clearly don’t want to be discussed. Let the individual talk and listen to them instead.
Offer support - This can be in many forms: offering emotional support, going round to tidy their homes, offering to do their shopping or providing them with a safe space etc. I say this because it is often during this time that people neglect themselves the most. If you have experienced bereavement you can disclose this and mention that they are welcome to ask you questions or reach out to you (if you’re comfortable). Know when to take a step back though and don’t make it all about yourself. When my father died, we had some lovely friends whose family would try their best to make us feel as “normal” as possible. If the individual asks for space, respect that. I know you may have all the good intentions but sometimes it’s just too overwhelming. I’m personally someone who doesn’t like pity or people making too much of a fuss, but I’ll still appreciate a loving message even if I don’t want to reply straight away.
Take them out - Sometimes a change of scene away from the chaos and environment can help the individual get back to their “old self.” It’s easy to stay cooped up but after a long period of time, it’s not healthy.
Check up on them throughout the year - After a loss, people often rush to express their condolences but a week later forget them and the trauma that they are still going through. Even if it has been one or two years, the pain can often creep up unexpected or they might be triggered by things that remind them of that person. Try and remember important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries or other milestones where the individual may be feeling the loss the hardest. The moment may have passed for you but the loss is ongoing for the individual.
If you are experiencing bereavement or know someone who is, it’s always better with support.
You can contact your local GP for bereavement counselling or contact any of the services below. There are many more but here are a few to get you started (For other countries outside of the UK, a quick google search will help):
Child Bereavement UK - 0800 02 888 40
The Bereavement trust: 0800 435 455
Bereavement Advice Centre: 0800 634 9494
Cruse Bereavement Care: 0808 808 1677
Grief Encounter UK: 0808 802 0111
Of course, you are always welcome to contact me on my socials or via my email. My only advice to those who are grieving is that time does heal. It doesn’t mean the pain will always go away, nor does that mean you will forget them, but eventually the good memories will override the sad. I hope this helps.
Liz x